An Unexpected Groom Page 20

  That explained a lot. “So an accountant in a railroad town on the opposite side of the country...”

  “Was the best of the bunch,” she said. “Among all the farmers and miners, you were a prince in my mother’s eyes.”

  He couldn’t help smiling. “So it was really your mother who chose me?”

  “Oh no. I mean yes, she thought you were suitable, but I liked your advertisement very much. And then your letters were so interesting. I thought you were wonderful, so much better than any of the stuck up, boorish, conceited men I met in New York who thought coming from good families and having money meant they were irresistible no matter how they behaved. You sounded caring and funny and intelligent. I couldn’t wait to meet you.”

  “And then I ruined your perfect view of me by not being able to walk.”

  He’d meant it as a joke, but she lifted her face immediately, looking worried. “No! I was shocked, I admit, but... but...” She glanced away, the corners of her mouth twitching with a smile.

  Now this he had to know. “But what?”

  Her eyes returned to him then lowered to his chest. “I thought you were so incredibly handsome and you had the most delicious voice. That’s why I left so quickly after we first met in your parlour. I wanted to make a logical decision about whether or not to stay, but I had trouble thinking straight around you, right from the start.”

  He touched his fingers to her chin, raising her face and lowering his voice. “Oh you did, did you?”

  “Mm hmm.” Her gaze went to his lips. “Still do.”

  He caught her smiling mouth in a lingering kiss that made his head swirl and his heart thud and sucked every thought from his mind, just as every touch of her lips did. And the best thing was, by the way she returned his kiss he knew she had to feel the same way.

  “What about now?” he said softly when they parted, resting his forehead against hers. “Do you think you made the right decision to stay?”

  “Yes,” she replied, without hesitation. “Being here with you has been the happiest time of my life.”

  Her answer gave him the courage to ask the one question to which he so desperately wanted the answer. “Does that mean that you’ll stay and marry me?”

  His heart dropped when she didn’t answer immediately. His stomach went with it when she drew back, her expression filled with pain.

  “I... I don’t know.”

  She looked away and his arms slid from around her. Everything had been going so well. What had just happened?

  “How can you not know?”

  Her lips pressed together and she shook her head.

  “Look at us, Louisa.” His voice rose in frustration. “Don’t you see how close we’ve become? We spend every moment we can together, but it’s still not enough. I’ve never felt anything like this before. You can’t tell me you don’t feel something for me too.”

  She shook her head again. “I do feel it, every bit of it, but it’s not that simple.”

  “Why? Why isn’t it simple? I want you to be my wife. If you want it too, why isn’t that enough?”

  “They’re my parents, Jesse! They matter to me. What they want matters. They’ve worked hard so I can have a better life. I can’t just ignore what they want for me after I’ve been following their lead my entire life.”

  “And I’m not what they’d want.” He didn’t bother hiding his bitterness. “I can’t walk so I’m not good enough for them. And I guess I’m not good enough for you either.”

  Her eyes widened. “That’s not true! I’ve never ever thought that, not even once.”

  “Then what? Because I’ll likely never leave this backwoods town? Because my pa’s just a blacksmith and not an earl? What about me wouldn’t meet your high and mighty parents’ approval?”

  He regretted the words as soon as they’d left his mouth.

  Louisa gasped, staring at him in disbelief.

  “Louisa...”

  She stood and backed away from him, tears shining in her eyes.

  “I didn’t mean that...”

  Before he could say anything more, she fled inside. A few seconds later he heard the front door slam.

  Cursing his legs and wishing he could run after her, he rammed his fist into a pillow beside him. Then he dropped his head into his hands.

  What had he just done?

  ~ ~ ~

  Louisa clamped her lips together as she hurried along the street. Her head ached from the effort of fighting her tears, but she was determined to reach the sanctuary of her bedroom before her emotions released in the torrent she knew they would.

  She entered the house as quietly as she could, hoping neither of her hosts would be there, and rushed straight to her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

  For a few seconds she stood still, back pressed to the door, and then the pain erupted in her chest and she threw herself onto the bed, muffling her sobs in the pillow.

  Why couldn’t Jesse understand how difficult it was for her? She’d had a lifetime of being instilled with her parents’ ambitions for her. Never once could she remember doubting how her life would be.

  She would marry a man with good prospects.

  She would rise in society.

  She would surpass the humble circumstances of her birth.

  She would fulfil all her parents’ dreams for her.

  That was how things would be, and it had all made perfect sense to her. She had never doubted any of it.

  Until Jesse made her doubt everything.

  He made her want to forget all that her parents had taught her, shake off their chains, and throw herself into his arms forever.

  Chains.

  She’d never even thought of them as chains until she met him.

  But it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t like she could simply forget her upbringing. Honouring your father and mother was one of the Ten Commandments. How could she disobey God, just when she was truly getting to know Him?

  “What do I do, Lord?” she whispered into her pillow.

  Her tears faded as Jesse’s face came into her mind, how betrayed he’d looked when she told him she couldn’t disregard her parents’ wishes. She hadn’t been fair to him, getting angry as she had. All he’d done was care about her enough to want her to feel the same way about him. And she did feel the same. The last thing she wanted was to hurt him, but that’s just what she’d done.

  Sitting up, she dug into her pocket for a handkerchief and wiped at her eyes. She had to go back and tell him how sorry she was.

  She jumped from the bed and rushed to the washbasin. The mirror above it revealed puffy eyelids and a red nose, but there was nothing for that but to hope her skin had settled by the time she got back to his house. She rinsed her face with the cold water in the bowl and hurried out into the hallway.

  Mrs Jones was walking from the kitchen. “Oh, Louisa, I didn’t realise you were back.”

  “Sorry, Mrs Jones,” she called as she breezed past, “I’m just on my way out again. I’ll be back later.”

  She took the quiet back roads as far as possible to Jesse’s house, picking up her skirts and running when no one else was around. The thought of Jesse unhappy because of her ignited an urgency that transcended decorum. She just wanted to get to him as fast as possible.

  Arriving at his door, she smoothed her hair and knocked, taking in deep gulps of oxygen to calm her breathing as she waited.

  And waited.

  When a second knock also went unanswered she tried the door and found it locked. She made her way round the side of the house to the back yard, but Jesse wasn’t there and the back door was locked too. All the candles and lanterns had been extinguished. Seeing her fairytale garden no longer sparkling with light made her want to burst into tears again.

  Returning to the front, she looked down at the porch. It looked clean, but it couldn’t be completely devoid of dirt. But there was nowhere else to sit and she didn’t feel like hauling a chair from the back, tired out after her unaccust
omed run as she was. So she sat down at the top of the ramp and settled in to wait, watching a few early moths flit across the wisteria and hoping Jesse wouldn’t be long.

  She’d leaned her head against the railing beside her and closed her eyes by the time his voice roused her from a semi-doze.

  “Louisa?”

  She started awake, her eyes snapping open to see Jesse at the foot of the ramp. He wheeled up to the porch and she climbed to her feet and brushed off the back of her dress.

  “I came back, but you weren’t here.” She flinched at the ridiculously obvious statement.

  “I went to find you but Mrs Jones said you’d been and gone,” he replied. “We must have missed each other.”

  She nodded and tried to think of something else to say. Why did apologising feel so awkward?

  “Would you like to come in?” he said, moving to the door and unlocking it.

  She nodded again and walked inside ahead of him, turning to face him when she was in the parlour. “I’m sorry I overreacted. I feel just terrible about all this. You have every right to be angry with me.”

  He wheeled over to the settee, moved onto it, and patted the seat beside him. When she sat he wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face gratefully into his shoulder.

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he said softly, resting his head against hers. “I’m the one who needs to apologise. I’m not angry at you. I have no right to expect anything. What you do is your decision, not mine, and you should follow your own conscience and heart.”

  Except her conscience and her heart were telling her two entirely different things. “My parents aren’t bad people. They just want what they think is right for me.”

  “I know and I’m real sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

  She sighed against his chest. “I shouldn’t have led you on. All the kissing and everything. I don’t blame you for being frustrated with me.”

  He drew back and lifted her face to look at him. “Are you saying you’d rather all the kissing and everything hadn’t happened?”

  She lowered her eyes, lips twitching with a smile. “No, I’m not saying that.”

  He grinned and pulled her closer and she snuggled into his embrace. There was no better feeling on earth than having his arms around her.

  “But if all we have together is these two weeks,” she said, “wouldn’t it have been easier on you if we hadn’t become so close?”

  He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Louisa, if all I get with you is two weeks, the memories will stay with me for a lifetime. I wouldn’t change one single moment of the time we’ve had together.”

  “Neither would I.” She was quiet for a while, her head resting against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. “I wish I was strong, like you. You know what you want and you don’t let anything stop you. I wish I could be like that.”

  He turned his head so his breath brushed her forehead when he spoke. “Do you know why I’m like that?”

  She shook her head.

  “It wasn’t me, it was my pa. If he hadn’t fought for me, I would have spent my life locked away in an institution. He was always there for me. He was strong when I couldn’t be and he taught me to not let anything stand in my way. Like when I decided I wanted to study to be an accountant, none of the universities I contacted would allow me to attend. I was ready to give up, but he convinced one of them to allow me to study by correspondence. He gave me that drive and determination. And when things get tough, he’s still always right there with me. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what I’d be.”

  She considered her own upbringing. “My parents instilled in me a drive to become more than what I was born into, but I don’t remember them ever asking if that was what I wanted. I thought I did, but I’m beginning to wonder if I only wanted it because they did. I’m not sure if I know how to make my own decisions. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that.”

  He touched his fingers to her chin and raised her face to look at him. “You’re strong, I don’t have any doubts about that. Look at everything you’ve done since you’ve been here. You got the ledgers from the bank, you found out what Ransom was doing when I hadn’t got any idea what to do, you’ve supported me all the way. Do you have any idea how much that means to me, that you believe in me? I couldn’t have done any of it without you.”

  “But I did all that because of you,” she said. “I do believe in you. You’re the strong one.”

  He brushed the backs of his fingers down her cheek and smiled. “Then maybe it’s time you believed in yourself, because I do. I believe in you, Louisa. I know you can do anything you set your mind to, not because of me or anyone else, but because of you. You are strong and smart and amazing, and I’m real proud of you. You don’t need to change one bit. You’re perfect just as you are.”

  She didn’t want him to know how the conflict inside her was tearing her apart, but tears rose unbidden to her eyes and, pressing her face into his shoulder, she began to cry. He held her close, not saying anything, simply offering his comfort, and his tenderness cut to her heart. She wanted to stay with this amazing man who made her happier than she could ever remember being. She couldn’t think of a better life than one spent at his side.

  She may have been unsure of everything else, but she was certain of one thing. She knew she wanted to be Jesse’s wife.

  ~ ~ ~

  Jesse accompanied Louisa home and stayed when Mrs Jones invited him in for coffee and cake. Louisa was glad. With the two week deadline up only two days later, she wanted to spend every moment she could with him.

  When he’d left, she slumped into a chair in the parlour and leaned her head on her arms. Every evening when they said goodbye she wanted to stay with him. How was she going to say goodbye forever? How could she bear to never see his smile again, never hear his laugh, never feel his fingers entwine with hers, his arms hold her, his kiss?

  Am I in love, she wondered to herself. Was this what love felt like? And would she ever be able to feel it with another man?

  She brushed absently at the tears in her eyes. She couldn’t imagine wanting to love any man other than Jesse.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?” Mrs Jones said.

  Louisa hadn’t heard her come in. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, if you want to talk, perhaps we can find out,” she said, walking over to sit on the settee.

  Pastor Jones was in his study so they were alone. Maybe talking would be a good thing. And Mrs Jones was a pastor’s wife so she would know more about the Bible than Louisa did.

  “Do we always have to keep all of the Ten Commandments all of the time?” Better to just come out with it.

  Mrs Jones smiled. “Ideally, yes.”

  Louisa sighed, her shoulders drooping. The answer wasn’t a surprise, but she’d been hoping there was a loophole somewhere.

  “Which of the commandments are you having trouble with?”

  Should she tell her? Louisa didn’t want the Joneses to think badly of her. She knew how close they were to Jesse and how much they wanted him to be happy. But time was running out and, without her own parents to advise her, and her now doubting their advice even if they’d been there, she needed help.

  She wound her hands together on her lap. “Honouring your father and mother.”

  She told Mrs Jones all about how her parents wanted her to marry a certain type of man, how their dreams for her had shaped her entire life, how she was almost certain they wouldn’t approve of Jesse.

  Through it all Mrs Jones sat and listened, her expression unreadable. When Louisa finished, she said, “So you don’t know for sure how your parents would feel about Jesse?”

  “Well, no.” Although she had a very good idea.

  “Then it seems to me that the best thing for you to do would be to wait for your mother and father’s reply to the letter you sent them after arriving. It could be that they would have no objections to Jesse and you’r
e fretting for no reason.”

  Louisa sighed. “Fretting is my speciality, reason or no.”

  Mrs Jones leaned forward and took her hand. “Louisa, you’re a lovely girl with a bright future ahead of you and you shouldn’t have to worry like this. Life has enough difficulties as it is without adding to them.” She released her hand and sat back. “But as far as God’s commandment to honour your father and mother goes, honouring doesn’t mean obeying, especially when you’re grown. It’s a credit to you that you care so much about what they want, but I’d say you’re old enough to make your own decisions. You’re a sensible young woman. Trust God to guide you, and trust yourself to know what it is you want for your own life.”

  Mrs Jones was right, Louisa knew that, and it was a relief to hear that disobeying her parents wouldn’t be wrong in God’s eyes.

  The problem was, with a lifetime of following their instruction in everything, did she have it in her to stop now?

  Chapter 22

  Following breakfast the next morning, Louisa made her customary visit to the post office.

  It had become something of a routine for her to go after finishing the dishes. Adam had told her that on most days either the train or the stagecoach brought in a mail delivery, so the letter from her parents could arrive at any time. She couldn’t help feeling relieved every time he told her there was nothing for her.

  “Good morning, Louisa,” he said when she walked in, smiling at her from behind the counter.

  “Good morning, Adam. How are you and Amy?”

  “Amy and I are well, thanks. How are you and Jesse?”

  “Jesse and I are also well, thank you.”

  It was their usual exchange. Despite the fact that neither he and Amy nor she and Jesse were married, there was always the unspoken possibility that one day they might be. She liked being an and with Jesse.

  Adam turned to the wall of cubby holes behind him. “I have a couple of letters for Pastor Jones, if you wouldn’t mind taking them.” He placed two envelopes on the counter. Another envelope joined them. “And I also have this. I’m guessing this is the one you’ve been waiting for?”